How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
