Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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