why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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