Just fell off a train. Bad.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
