If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
