i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
