Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
