Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
