where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
