it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
