So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Is it because I queefed?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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