we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
