you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
