oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
