I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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