I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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