just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Randomize
