I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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