Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
