Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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