I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
