ugly people sure do ruin things
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
