Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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