I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
