Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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