are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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