oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
