So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
