The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
