me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
