I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
