I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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