Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
