i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
