ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
