It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
