I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
