I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
