My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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