I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
