Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
