Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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