I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
