i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
