She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
When are your genitals available?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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