walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
