I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
