you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
