When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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