Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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